2020 - April 17 - Check-in - Even the Biggest Waterfalls Begin with just One Drop

A bridge, a walk, the kids, and a lot of water.  It all begins with a single drop!

Checkin' IN!!!

Sometimes, it is a tad bit overwhelming of where to begin.  Whether it is a blog post or a training plan or a work project etc.  Often, I have to remind myself, just start where you are at.  Then follow it with the Elsa wisdom of 'Just do the next right thing!'.   Even longest journey begins with the first step.  And so it goes, where to start?

I am reminded over and over again that this blog is for me.  I went back through the other day with some internal code fixes for some of the features that have been bothering me.  This template is 100 percent copyright free and as such attribution is limited to just me.  How nice is that?  With that tho, there aren't any code fixes, so once I am annoyed I go back and find it and correct things.  I am currently trying to resolve the break in the labels I use grouping together correctly.  I can alter the URL and get the results, but the built in functions are a little fragile and not functioning correctly across all labels.

To that end, it's similar to the growth mindset.  I find a lot of the time I have created a large capacity to tolerate a lot of 'needless noise'.  For me one of the measurements for me is just how agitated I get from the noise I come across in Social Media platforms.  I am good at tuning a lot of it out.  I have become good at doing the same at training plans with triathlon or being a husband/father in my nuclear family.

At times tho, there are critical check-in moments that come forward.  Am I available?  Am I present?  Am I listening?  Do I notice?  Do I care?  The most difficult thing for me in the growth-mindset process is distinguishing between:

1. Filtering noise with purpose
2. Tolerating noise with reason
3. Taking action when noise matters
4. Avoid becoming numb to above and just completely tune-out 

So I will try to address some thoughts each of the points above.  Mostly this is an exercise to try and contextualize the concept.  I am trying to slow down and not go through things in half thoughts and truly think it through from end-to-end.   I also use this space as a method of professional development to make sure that my writing skills stay on point and I can continually and aptly write.

Filtering Noise with Purpose

This takes a lot of attention. It can create a lot of unanticipated fatigue and levels of stress.  It means being available and present in the moment.  It means being aware that not all noise is worthy of my attention, and that focus, discipline and diligence are necessary allies, required to parse through it all.  The biggest thing I think I am re-calibrating and understanding is that there is a lot of 'fluffy' noise.  I observe plenty chasing their own "FOMO" (Fear of Missing Out).  Another simple way to speak to that is, chasing someone else's dream.  Sure, I can be persuaded to lose sight of my nuclear family's needs and my own, but when I stay sharp and keep my filter clean and sharp, I don't slip into that space where I become overwhelmed or chasing each byte that comes my way.  It's like food, sure at times there are some real treats that come along, but just because it has a ton of sugar to enhance crappy 'filler' stuff, I may just need to let it go down the line to someone else.  I remember being in Strasbourg for a work assignment just before I got back into activity.  There was a restaurant that is no longer open - sad, but it was a Japanese fusion restaurant mainly Sushi.  I have a crustaceans sensitivity and allergy (in fact I am careful with all sea food).  My colleagues would just take one or two of all the offerings and I had to carefully filter each 'take' as I waited for chicken only (teriyaki) or vegetables.  The restaurateurs noticed how selective I was being and each time I showed up - I think we went around a dozen times, they would assure that the carousel line had options for me.  OF note, they also had the coolest bathroom.  Mooze, I'll miss you and further, who knew you were teaching me about Filtering Noise With Purpose.   Hindsight is 2020, they say.

the sushi carousel

Resto - Mooze - no longer open - Strasbourg France.

Tolerating noise with reason

Look, there is no way to control all the noise unless I become a complete socio/psycho path and revert to the following:

From the BBC Sherlock Holmes played by Benedict Cumberbatch - and Yes I have this thought often - its my curse

So, instead of unleashing my thoughts and completely being disrespectful and not caring about anything in it's blast zone, I choose to filter things.  I try to follow reason-ability and apply the following Bruce Lee concepts:

I first caught notion of this thought from the documentary - Game Changers - some good in it, some quite discard-able

One of the difficulties in all of this is not being egotistical, self-centered, self-righteous and a real douche-bag.  My wife can sure tell you I have been those things, and I will emphasize that int he 'Becoming numb' section below.  So to that end, I once heard something along the line from a Bhuddist notion - Notice what takes your attention, acknowledge it, and then let it go.  There will be times when certain internal or external conversations appear.  It doesn't mean I have to engage in what I perceive to be noise or a distraction, but I MUST acknowledge it, classify it as unnecessary to me, and then let it go!  It's in the acknowledgement where reason is applied.  In that application, the ability to confront it, then acknowledge and discard, or classify it as necessary and deal with it.  I find for me that I do alright with more then just hyper-focusing in the present, but I have to maintain healthy limiters on multi-tasking.  Once overloaded, like the best out there, I just unravel and become a cranky cuss.  So for me, I bring my life experience to the table, BUT I have to be humble enough to know that my point of view is only what I know.  The difficulty is also to not be over inundated with too much information.  It's a slippery slope that is bombarded with half-truths and too many opinions where reason and evidence is often lost.  So, like above, I then am able to absorb what is useful.  The challenge with absorption, is that my brain has a saturation limit.  That is why I decided to have a blog like this - mainly for me and for those wanderlust types that happen across it.

Hopefully, I am able to check in as necessary for a rear-view mirror check in, a 'backstop as explained by Mr. David Goggins.  The reject what is useless is the one that requires apt skill.   I have been mindfully addressing since about 2013 and it is consistently maturing.  I have good days and others not so good.  Sometimes the filter is off, see the Sherlock Holmes quote above!  What I am finding though, as folks often highlight to me, they don't really much care about what I care about.  You know that triathlon, or family, or hobby I really care about -- mmmmhmmm, I care a lot more about it then anyone else.  I just need to remember that and keep things in proper context.  So, defining what is 'useless' is often subjective and personal.  It often turns into an opinion, and everyone has one like a bellybutton or a bum-hole!

So, the challenge is applying the principles in a way that I let my gratitude, hope, tolerance, love and kindness stay in the forefront.  When I make a mistake, I hope to quickly identify and acknowledge it, then try to make reparations as possible, let it go and carry on.  In so doing, it is my sincere that the noise in front of me, is no longer just noise but has been filtered into something that I need to deal with and it leads me to the next point!

Taking action when noise matters

Keeping a fair and reasonable outlook on the noise that matters is an exercise in patience, discipline, diligence and determination.  I am only accountable to me in this process.  If I want to pair this with the 4 Agreements, this is where dedication and diligence really are tested, not to mention integrity to self and others is defined. 

• Agreement 1 - Be impeccable with your word
• Speak with Integrity
• Say only what you mean
• Avoid using the Woed to speak against yourself or to gossip about others
• Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love

• Agreement 4 - Always do your best
• Your best is going to change from moment to moment;  it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick
• Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

The thing I find the most difficult is simply doing my best especially as it pertains to things I can or cannot control.   I cannot control all environmental factors (and it is FUTILE to try) - sure I can help shape or constrain them based on careful examination and preparation, but other times I am merely reacting to a situation as it occurs - a few stories for context.

EXAMPLE STORY 1

Flashback to 2015 I think it was, no 2016.  It was our second go of the 70.3 IM in St. George.  Click here for race reflections!!!

During the drive back home, we were heading on home as one normally would.  Just before getting to Beaver, the heavens opened - it was an outright EPIC deluge.  Went from completely dry to about 2 inches of water hitting the road.  I still recall, a quick sense of slow down - there were a few cars heading northbound but I would say a good 500 or so ft between me and the the cars before/after me.  That's when all of a sudden, we broke loose - Liz was pregnant with juniper at this time, and she would later join us July 3rd - so it was 2015, my first 70.3 in St. George.  Ok back to story.  In a flash, I felt the back tires in our AWD Dodge Journey 2012 break loose.  The next 15 - 30 seconds was in SLOW MOTION for sure.  I went from rumble strip to rumble strip 3 times if I recal correctly.  Each time I treated it like fish tailing in the winter.  In each serpentine and fishtail I racked the driving wheel with my hands firmly but with a very loose and fluid feeling like I had learned years ago doing driving experiences in the snow at the Boreal Parking lot and many times since after each snow fall.  Not only is it fun, but in this instance, this feeling was familiar even tho, with albeit a small intuition to be ready, I was ready to just respond as positively as possible in the situation.  Long story short, I was able to gain control and we nervously rolled into the gas station at Beaver, where I took a quick walk - after the 70.3 on Saturday I was destroyed as I under nay disrespected what was required to complete that event.  In fact I earned a DNF that day although I finished the course - I was over time int he swim and the overall event, tho not by much.

So in the above scenario - I was prepared by taking advantage of each snowfall and generally going out and getting a feel of the car in a slide and fishtail scenario.  Heck, the training is fun too, but the repetition made for a familiar scenario when it ACTUALLY happened when I wasn't anticipating or expecting it.  That practice allowed me to go parasympathetic and just react in a way that I had comfort and control (albeit very limited - but the control I did have was mental) and my physical reactions were precise and gratefully accurate!

EXAMPLE STORY 2

During my 2016 70.3 IM St George - I made a vast improvement in the swim and was looking forward to a great day.  I was prompted by weather alerts and more the evening before to pack for contentious and unexpected weather conditions.  I didn't even know it was raining during the swim.  So, when I got to T1 in my mind - it wasn't raining at this point - that all would be well.  When I started to pull out ready to go, I looked at the weather on the horizon.  I didn't want to , but I stopped and put on a jersey and a jacket over my tri kit.  Well the next 56 miles was absolutely brutal, I had Maytag downpours 3 times.  I saw 3 people in wet-suits on the bike.  What's the reason for the story, isn't the weather, but as I was pushing up the parkway getting ready to head over to Snow canyon, my chain derailed.  Not sure why, I jumped off, and remedied things - so I thought.  i was having mechanical issues the rest of the way as I lost my big crank - sorry I used to wrench but I never geeked out on all the jargon of the bike geek tech world.  That cog would never see my chain for the next 27 miles.  Whats more I wasn't able to break 27 mph on down hills etc and stability was rough in those gear ratios and in the storms and winds.  

So in the above scenario, I was smart enough to slow down and dress up, but the environment and the unexpected mechanical threw a few MAJOR curve-balls at me that day.  Despite that, my overall time was the best I have had on course to date.  The blessing in disguise, the rains kept me cool, so while I NEGLECTED my nutrition and calorie intake, my body was cool enough that i was able to not have the added nutritional fumble kill me too.  That being said, I still remember the mechanical.  I panicked, but it was short lived.  Why?  I had encountered many difficult equations through life in different ways, but at this time, I was also addressing my head-space issues.  I had the year before disrespected the whole process, and I studied as much as I was able to overcome that mistake.  I respected the process which enabled me to have the head-space to react, adapt and overcome in that specific situation. 

I wasn't anticipating the noise in either personally cited example above.  But I was able to take action as it occurred.  I was able to own the space required for me to handle the albeit nerve-racking car situation - although my wife still thought I was too cool as it happened, but the walk-off is where the gratitude and fatigue from just a few hours before hit me.  In the second scenarios I was able to react and catch my panic when I realized I didn't have all my gearing available.  I could have stopped and addressed it, but I made decisions and I didn't stop.  I later learned that by staying in those gear sets, I had a strong ride through Snow Canyon, and didn't over bike and had a great and solid run.    So, the benefit of my actions really allowed me to control me, and reap some pretty cool natural consequences.

Now I understand not all scenarios that present are as striking as the two I shared, some are quite mundane, involve multiple people, but the big take away for me is to be able to have the space to be in control of what I can and recognize that I have actions that I can take (I am not a victim).  In the varied scenarios that present, I am therefore in control of what I can be which further shapes the outcomes.  I have to be flexible enough to improvise, adapt and overcome -- even if it isn't perfectly aligned to my 'plan'.  "Unrealistic expectations are just future resentments!"

Becoming numb to above and just not listening

Sometimes it is just easier to become NUMB.  This is more or less what occurred to me during the 9 years of secondary infertility.  I was too focused on making sure my wife was making it through this frustrating period  of life.  I just numbed out my issues.  I honestly don't even recall many of them (feelings) as I was already acknowledging them and discarding them along the way to give space to my wife.  Sure, I was and am affected by some of the residue, but many, I know that Liz doesn't know how I did that.  Along the way, i forgot about me and became listless and easy to just kind of with melancholy let it come and go.  I was numb.  It was like I was on mentally induce Vicadin and Heroin without on a physical depressant.  I was travelling to France a lot when it finally smacked me in the face.  I had started running a bit at the constant persistence of my loving wife and my first 5k attempt with her was like 1 hour and 38 minutes.  Mind you, I was an athlete in High School and moonlighted in club sports at the college level, and was even asked to try out and walk on to the men's basketball team - needless to say, the basketball team wasn't that good (things have changed immensely).

I reflect on some of those things Transformation-Tuesday story - (Click here!!!).

The difficulty is not falling that far again.  Humans tend to return to what we know and mostly what is the least painful and path of least resistance.  The last 14-18 months have been a struggle for me in the activity and triathlon space.  I had to recenter my focus on family once Liz delivered Astrid, who joined us in Sept of 2018.  I had to concentrate efforts on a growing family and that has hurt my activity.  Not because it isn't what is right, it's that equation has changed.  This goes into the guilt complex I struggle with personally and internally - (Click here for blog post).  

However, fast forward to today.  I have been addressing this growth-mindset I have engendered in myself since identifying how numb I had become.  I was on that slippery slope of retreating back to numb.  Honestly, I was not even actively doing this as in my mind I was still doing things.  My weight reflects quite differently as I have drifted back to 215-220-ish.  Although it is a metric I often don't concentrate on, it is a fact and it reflects that for me, I am FAT!

So, now I am trying to recenter my focus, re-calibrate what I can and can't control.  I am observing and taking actions.  My last two weeks of activity have been cerebral, with purpose and so far going well.  I have a reshaped target of September 19 for the Ironman in St George.  Given this strangeness passes I will get there.  Here are some thoughts from my bike ride the other night.  Context, I was listening to David Goggins and some of his story telling prompted me to go back into a very dark space in 2017 - my 3rd 70.3 IM in St George (Click here to read my reflections).

Went a bit dark. I was taking it easy overall, but, then listening to D. Goggins, I went through a piece of personal difficult dark spaces. When, I went there, it took me to the space where I almost walked off the race course. I took a bathroom break, unexpected at 11 miles and then I refocused and I got to work. I just went a bit deeper and climbed out of it.
That was unexpected and deep. Tomorrow will be a/r days. This cycling block is going well, let's not disrupt it.  Curious to see the data points. Tale of two rides, but head-space and perceived limits is often like this.
I thought about what I thought about after two friends called out at different points that day waking me up from almost walking off that head-space ledge. How grateful I am, when in those moments where I was most alone, a good old friend and an unexpected new friend were my serendipity. Man, triathlon has taught me a lot. And there it is.... Back in the long game....

So there it is, my current head-space.  The things I ma thinking through.  I really did like my ride that took me to those dark moments.  It reminded me of the many blessings and good things that I had and still continue to have and the many more I have discovered since then.  It is that opposition of the 'dark' that lets me measure and see the grand blessings in between.  That being said, it is a strange time and unprecedented during the uncertainty of affairs associated with COVID-19.

A faith-based thought -

Years ago a dear friend of mine shared this thought.  Through a series of serendipitous circumstances we are now both on Team Zoot, but I won't call this person out directly.

Context - as I prepared to serve a 2 year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I spent 8 weeks in a Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah.  During that time we shared different thoughts in a group sharing environment as we were learning language skills and helping us be ready for this 2 year experience.  I don't know what was going on behind the scenes but my friend shared this thought and it rings true during these times. I have often thought about this thought in many different difficult and trivial circumstances through life, I am grateful for the share:

I tell you these things because of your prayers; wherefore, treasure up wisdom in your bosoms, lest the wickedness of men reveal these things unto you by their wickedness, in a manner which shall speak in your ears with a voice louder than that which shall shake the earth; but if ye are prepared ye shall not fear.  Doctrine and Covenants 38:30 (Click Here)

I think I can end this here for me.  Another bike ride tonight as I took yesterday as a rest day.  Concentrating on a cycling block and getting my legs back, lots of Active Recovery walks and small runs - walking the dog and the girls.  Trying not to get overwhelmed and go crazy.  Maybe because I am so caught up in head-space contexts I am a little edgy and punchy as I try to keep folks at work also satisfied as well.  Strange times.  I choose to see the best I can given the circumstances.

Cheers!

#zentriathlete #familybalancetri #zenfamily #fitbalancehealth #lifestylenotjusttraining #desire #Dedication #determination #discipline #grateful #gratitude #LifeLessons #c26 #sanctuary #justbreathe #perspective #itisntalwayspretty #consistency #fearthebeard #sharetheroad #wildtriathlete #wildrunner #walkthecliff #burntheisland #beatyesterday #garmin #hydratefaster #smithoptics #speedfil #teamzealios #teamzoot #teamzootmtn #zealios #zootsports

Activities - 

I use the following trackers:

• Garmin Connect (which pushes the files to the following services):
• Training Peaks
• Strava
• and the ones I don't remember (Map my stuff via Under Armour and things like the Great Bicycle ride initiative stuff)

Honestly, I mainly use Training Peaks as I pay for an annual subscription on it now, and it is the most detailed in data and other helpful information to keep me where I want to go. Use the 'Links', then 'Track me' section to find and stalk me if that's your thing.

Relevant Pics