2020 - April 7 - Corona-tine reflections and thoughts

Checkin' IN!!!

It's an era of unprecedented strangeness and its effects are felt in unanticipated ways! A random glimpse at my current mindset and headspace --

Improvise, adapt and overcome...

1. Agreement 1: Be Impeccable With Your Word
2. Agreement 2: Don't Take Anything Personally
3. Agreement 3: Don't Make Assumptions
4. Agreement 4: Always Do Your Best

(https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practic…/…/1878424319)

When I don't know, this is where I tend to start and I also include -- tolerance, kindness, love and hope. My recent posts have definitely been more introspective. Wishing you well folks!!!

I see a lot of assumptions and in that observation, I personally am trying to rise above and abstain from those assumptive projections. Well, this is often an exercise in patience and discipline. I have to remain diligent, and I am good most days, but as Liz will tell you, I am far, far, far from perfect:

Sat April 4th thoughts-
My attitude today needs an adjustment. I am curt, quick to frustration. I don't have access to the things (pool or ows) where I can just let the weight of being an adult, husband, father, colleague, peer and friend wash away as I breathe and not drown.

Lds general conference is still being delivered today, and that is helpful. How curiously odd and strange these current days are. I caught a glimpse of Rinny gets snubbed by her husband on accident TO during a new VR racing series by Ironman. As a husband, I have been known to make similar mistakes with my wife albeit not during a pro-competition. Role models come in many forms, and grateful to that two Ironman (triathlon and human examples).

Now to figure out how to reconnect my kickr. Frustrating. And get back to being the husband and dad I should be.... Being human sometimes is just hard..

I was able to get in front of myself, but man, I was a cranky turd-bucket especially on the Saturday before the Sunday.

In these unprecedented and strange times, I have been a lot more introspective. I think that causes certain things at times to get a bit more volatile, for me I don't have demons of the past, more of demons I haven't much dealt with. For example, Mike Tarrolly at Crushing Iron mentioned something about 'guilt'. In training and being an adult, I have to tether a fine line between all the roles, responsibilities and associated accountabilities I carry in my life and work roles. Examples:

When training at times I have to identify or cramp time with other things. If I go out an run or ride my bike over 60 minutes at a time, that's a time and space my wife and kidlets are alone. IN the last 3 years, that has taken its own toll on each of us differently but for me, I have to reconcile the guilt of me needing to be healthy (long-game) vs the immediate short term where I may be shirking my partnership with my wife and helping, aiding, supporting in other needed things around mom/dad and family needs
When training the inverse to above is true. At times family needs occur, can't always control life, and then my training plan (whatever it is I do) is compromised. Sure they are just minor data points on a long graph enriched with many activities, but I have to move, forget, neglect, adapt, improvise within the training plan and dealing with that guilt.
Work-life, I have come to learn even though I may understand and know a certain action plan to pursue, sometimes I have to let colleagues and peers come to similar conclusions. Sometimes that is rapid and other times it is painfully slow and I have to manage that guilt load as I sometimes know it is a simple just do this, but either it is ignored, or I patiently wait for them to come to a similar conclusion

There are other paradigms that come and go but I think those examples demonstrate succinctly some of my more in-my-face type challenges. Here are a few things I have said in Social media context that captures my headspace a bit:

I can't go to my sanctuary, my personal safe place. At first, I disrespected the swim, now it comforts me. The lessons learned in this endurance sports journey of triathlon is humbling. Hopefully, I can get back in the water soon.
Man, these are strange times. I am coming back from the 'sickness', it's not easy but it will be worth it. I need to pen up a plan to this Sept 19 thing..... Giddy up. I am seeking normalcy amid the disambiguation, grateful my wife and family let me do some crazy (within reason).
This is a moment in a timeline my children will always remember. Hopefully, the memories will be sweeter than any bitterness this situation has brought up. For a headspace guy like me, being present is often raw, and in the recent past, I have encountered a lot of pro positivity. Let's be real for a moment. Negative things happen - feelings, situations, relationships etc. It is those things that provide an honest perspective, a wise measuring of just how gratitude works when truly real and positive things occur. Joy is not joy without knowing pain or suffering. Sure, we like to 'project' all is well, but ofttimes it is so far from that. This is what I love about this opportunity. To unplug, to simplify, to control ONLY what I can control. I love my nuclear family, and this scenario reminds me just how precious my nuclear family is to me in this poopy situation. I am grateful to know both the bitter and the sweet. For without it, I would just be numb, and that to me is not being alive. Grateful. Present, aware and full of hope. Hope that tomorrow will help me feel more alive. Yes! And I am grateful for my wife, Liz is weathering this journey with me. Giddy up!

I have been getting on my trainer more finally. I am learning just how valuable and unforgiving that platform is. I am ALWAYS pedalling. There is no, coast here, or let wind or drafting help here, it's persistent activity. I am sharpening the sword. Overall, I have really liked the Rouvy AR platform. IT has been very brutal and honest in its interpretation of data and I appreciate that. I know a lot of folks use ZWIFT and I may use that too, but I like being alone against or on a course. I have been able to ride the first half of the IM St George bike route. I have been able to upload a few of my favorite circuit rides I do in Cache Valley, and not have to be out and about during self-isolation and Corona-tine protocols.

Juniper took this picture, she was jealous that Astrid was getting up on dad's bike

I guess what I am learning most through these things: My actions have butterfly effects that I can't necessarily control, but I can be present and mindful and keep a strong sense of self-discipline and empathy toward those I may or may not know as I human along. My personal diligence in these affairs will more than likely affect my kidlets in attitude, character and mindset in ways I cannot even conceive or anticipate.

I was able to take Zoe with me on a good run last night. I have had a chest cold since just before my last trip to Long Beach. Every year, Facebook kindly reminds me of my annual sickness or distress I get. I don't know if it is seasonal or the stress of the changes in the season associated with daylight savings and more but I tend to be compromised the most at this and the change into fall. That being said, it's not Covid, rather more like bronchial laryngitis, but it's not the time to have it at the times I need to dive into stores for a more or less immediate needs for our family situation (scripts and staples). I try to keep good distances from me and others and am now covering my face. I will say I know I am over it mostly and have been keeping a distance from folks for the last 14 days or more now. I recently wrote this about the current affairs:

My headspace is good, but this whole situation is strange. On the one hand, I have hope and am encouraged that empathy and the ability to re-emphasize courtesy and kindness is abruptly in front of us. On the other hand, I watch those that call themselves leaders be anything but that, and watch many supposedly educated folks commit the most egregious of actions, thoughts, or exchanges of words. So myself, I'm in a complex place of trying to keep true to my self. I guess it doesn't help that I am reading David Goggins 'You Can't Hurt Me' which invites readers to review and go through internalized growth - which brings with it its own sets of discomfort. I guess that's what I get for trying to focus on my nuclear family and helping those within my circles of influence.

So here it is, COVID-19 and Corona-tine. It has more than disrupted life for me and my family, it is affecting the world, economical markets, and hopefully will help us grow into even better more kind and empathetic and thoughtful humans. I am not naive and I know that even some whom I would think would be most aware of these things will not be and will just blow it off and see it as an opportunity to raise to a different level of douche-baggery. It is my hope that is more of the exception than the rule, but at this time it is truly more 50/50 and it could turn either way. I know what its like, I was numb and embittered, a realistic pessimist of sorts. I know I don't exude pro-positivity to the 10000th degree - because I find that is just if nor more harmful.

I believe in opposition of things and in proper context, the maxims offer a large context of measuring the two ends from each other. I often sit in a moderate middle area and will wean and wane between the two maxims. The more consistent I find myself being slow to move to the two extremes, the more I find true joy and happiness in the journey.

Circling back, It's unclear if the postponement to the Ironman St George will actually occur, but I am starting the start into the significant training that will be required. I am starting to get the volume I need on my trainer and I am upping the active recovery walks with the girls in the double stroller. I also am getting Zoe out on runs. So here it is, in a strange time of social distancing and physical distancing that I get to try and get my run and bike volume up.

The currently and completely uncontrollable variable is the 'swim'. Our local gym finally folded and followed the local Health Departments recommendation of closing to help slow the spread and potentially flatten the curve. So, not having that is a definite concern, but with time it will warm up and I can still OWS, but will see if I have the time etc once we get beyond this COVID-19 thing. I can't go to my sanctuary, my personal safe place. At first, I disrespected the swim, now it comforts me. The lessons learned in this endurance sports journey of triathlon is humbling. Hopefully, I can get back in the water soon. Strange, strange world!

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