2019 November 12 - Check In - A lot to process, but life is good

On Nov 11, 2019, this spunky gal - KEOKI - was no longer able to stay with us.  I spent a good while with her in her final hours.  She passed quietly at home, in my clothes closet.  Not much in death gets to me, but she definitely has touched our lives for the better part of 14 years.  2005 - 2019 -- Keoki, left a hole in our hearts!!!

Checkin' IN!!!

So, first.  An ode to KEOKI.  She was our first pet as an anniversary present to us in 2005.  Liz wanted a house pet, and out to a farm in Hyrum, we went to the plea of free kitties.  Yes, she was the rambunctious one.  She was a little fiery ball of flinging and jumping and clawing and charging around.  She ruled the roost and was less than pleased when we later added Aulie and then Pippen, and Zoe.  They all seemed to finally cohabitate in the end.  Unfortunately, Pippen recently passed, so she has a friend across the proverbial pet-rainbow-bridge.  I was a bit more emotional, charged by her last hurrah -

Vampire wounds from Keoki

While I was trying to comfort her and keep her in 'best spirits' she lashed out, the old 'devil kitty' of old and locked 4 teeth deep into my arm.  It hurt, A LOT!  My wife had to intervene and it took the better part of a minute to help disengage the poor dying cat's locked jaw from my arm.  In great Keoki style, she had an alternate plan and within the hour she passed.  I have taken her to be cremated and we will get a box of her ashes soon.  We will miss her, for sure, just like the mark she has left in my left arm, she has marked each of us individually.  It still just doesn't seem real, as she was doing ok when I left for Boston, and we tried to get her into the vet, but whether we got a few more days, weeks or months - at least I got to be home with Liz and Dennis and help her pass as peacefully and surrounded by her caregivers, not some cold lifeless sterile room - doomed by a shot!  We lost a friend, we lost a playmate, we lost a great pillar in our family.  Until we meet again Keoki!

Me, realizing that she is near her earthly sojourn with us, this sucks!  Will miss ya kitty!

Finally at peace, and at rest, her last moments were shared by myself, Liz and a painful few by Dennis, too.

Now, I don't know who visits my blog, I do not track that really other than the silly flags way down below on the right.  What I do want to say, thank you!  Thank you for your 5 - 10 minutes of space you took to look into a glimpse of me.  Thank you to the many silent supporters, whether you have made yourself known or just lurk in the shadows.  I would welcome comments, especially to any that appreciate this space.  I am not trying to create or grow or build anything more than a space to me of friends and associates.  A space where I know I can share, and maybe with some feedback I can urge another to find what I find, whether it is in triathlon, mindfulness or just being human.  So, again, an authentic thank you!

Carrying on!  

So, I had a realization this last week getting ready to travel.  I have been fighting too much.  Like at everything.  I wouldn't say that I am cranky or displeasing - well maybe ask my teenage son Dennis.  Rather, I have kinda been late to my own realization party.  As Liz and I ramp up and prepare and are excited to welcome kidlet 4 to this world,  adapting to what this change means has been a dose of humble pie -

Unrealistic expectations are just future resentments - Thanks Mr. Robbie Bruce - C26 Coach!

I've been adrift a bit and catching up on the C26 podcasts.  Along the way, it seems that Mike and Robbie has a direct link to my Alexa microphone and are hearing the personal Livingston household of horrors.  To that end, many of the recent topics, let's say 318 episodes, have generally mirrored or have been in the same boulevard of thought.  I have been in self-realization mode and then hearing things in their podcast - it's like - hello - your wife has been trying to get this into you, welcome to your own party - dummy.





First and foremost, I love my wife and our family. I am realizing that work, life balance is so flawed. See my recent post here on the matter (CLICK HERE!) - it's truly about life and family first, then hobbies and then work. That recipe lends itself to balance. Almost 46 years on this planet in this human experience, and its slowing sinking in. I am quite grateful to both Liz and our little family. They love me and look to me despite my raw human imperfections. They push me and hope that I will not let them down, but are there to pick me up when I stumble, mess up a bit, or knock it out of the park. We have a great little clan and it's growing, too.

So, it's time to map things out.  In 24 weeks two events collide.  I signed up for IM St. George back in May/June to the chagrin of Liz.  In my defense, it seemed appropriate.  Regardless, she may have been right.  At approximately the same time, kidlet # 4 will make an appearance.  Now, 24 weeks is plenty of time to become IRONMAN Full ready.  But I have been doing it wrong.  First I need to fully surrender to the fact that :

• Triathlon is both a hobby and lifestyle, the actual events don't define me but give me a target
• Triathlon has enabled me to refine essentials - been forgetting that one
• This hobby and lifestyle helps me maintain and normalize wellness and balance
• Unrealistic expectations are just future resentments
• This is a hobby and albeit a lifestyle, life and family are first
• N + 1 on the wife chart is not an option - I only want Liz - yup, I'm twitterpated still

So, last week while travelling.  I decided to unplug.  Not from social media, or life, but from training.  Training is supposed to leave me invigorated, not deplete.  Full of vigor, not regrets or remorse. So, I forgot about the training.  I just said, SKIP IT!  It's been taking up too much space, it's stressing me out the wrong way, and it's time to re-evaluate to a degree - better stated, it's time to re-calibrate.  So, thank you to C26, to the many friends that have checked in and an ever-patient wife and family on my behalf.  I ordered a new pair of shoes, and in the meantime, I wait.  I also need to get new goggles, but I can make those things last, I mean in the pool, I only need to see so much, I used to do it pre-Lasik, I can do it again, right?  Yes, yes I can,  priorities and essentials needed re-calibration.




So, I want to regain my fitness.  I want to re-establish my wellness.  I want to reclaim my lifestyle, so I don't feel fluffy and lethargic to me.  This isn't about anyone else but me and my family.  I am nearing 46 and will have an infant in arms before my 46th birthday.  To that end, I'd like to be around to see each of these kidlets find a path marked with joy and happiness.

Medals carry dust!  Memories last forever. 

adaptation from a Mary Lou Rhetton quote 

So, I have written about many of the events I have participated in since I penned or wrote my Transformation Tuesday Story (CLICK HERE!) - to be honest it can happen on any day but someone clever paired it with Tuesday.  It truly is the culmination of many days.

So what about now?  I have been feeling fluffy, and flat, and overextended.  I have felt that I have not been giving my authentic self to my wife and family first.  Sure I do, but not in full.  I feel that I need to re-calibrate how I am approaching things.  My nutrition is currently off.  I have been leaning into short cuts and neglecting healthy and established patterns that were working for me.  There has been a lot of noise biding for me.  Work, as an example, sees that I will be welcoming child number four and its IMMEDIATE need to peddle me to customers and clients prior to that occurring.  I still know who I am but, been neglecting me.  So here's my thoughts pertinent to triathlon as Liz and I have been focusing on family things.
 

Triathlon type focus:

Swim - 

I need to swim as often as time permits in the evenings.  I need to establish my swim distance minimum to a range of 1750 min to 2500 yards max until the new year at a cadence of 4 times or more a week.

Bike

Keeping this one simple, Setup indoor training and spin as time permits 2-4 times weekly

Run

When new shoes arrive, re-listen and follow the phased approach offered freely by Robbie Bruce from C26 see podcast (how to not suck at running - CLICK HERE!).

Also, what about that Team Zoot application (CLICK HERE for post)?

You were chosen to be on Team Zoot because we believe that you will represent the best of what triathlon has to offer. We could not be prouder to welcome you to Team Zoot for 2020.

Well, I was accepted.  Now I have to think through if and how I am all in.  This is an ambassador type of opportunity.  I really do like the concept, but I also have to ensure I have the bandwidth to represent this opportunity to meet their expectations as well.  I have to determine if I will get the team kit/starter package or not.  This is a pretty cool deal and community and I think it pairs well with my ideals and the community I like to follow, represent and be involved in.

So, ya, I have some stuff to work through.  It's focused re-calibration that is required.  I have to determine in March, what I will do.  I have the deadline for deferral of 2020 IM St. George at that time.  

C:\zentriathlete\02 Personal\photos\unfiled\imstg-xfer.png

Adulting doesn't come with a manual.  It can be hard.  It can be fun, it can be fulfilling.  It can be a chaotic PITA.  But, I am an adult.  All choices have consequences.  I can re-tool and re-calibrate myself to be best positioned to help my life, my family first.  Then, I can do other things.  I am privileged, I am grateful, I just am!

Ironman Foundation - this is why it absolutely sucks and is foolish to follow the airline formatted pricing structure.  It is ridiculous that the fees associated with signing up are so high.  I get bottom lines, I get the 'show' and I get what I pay for.  I am grateful for that.  I am a 4-time participant and finish at the 70.3 IM St George event:

• 2019 - Reflections
• 2017 - Reflections
• 2016 - Reflections
• 2015 - Reflections

I am not a stranger to the events, nor to the allure of all things Ironman but the BRAND is killing a lot of us.  It's not about the brand to me, it's about the outputs I get.  I have been able to redetermine and refine and re-calibrate me.  I have been able to simplify to essentials and allow a lot of noise to pass on by without negatively influencing me.  I was becoming quite the cranky stiff.  My Facebook posts and other social media interactions prove this prior to 2012/2013.  I like to believe that I have learned how to appreciate, love and fulfil my wife firstly and our family too.  I have been able to be present, to 'be still' and trust in the preparations and outputs of the past so I can be available, authentic and appreciate and capture 'in the moment' life experiences.  I have been able to re-shape my personal space, to be patient, allow grace, allow growth, adapt my mindsight to life, family and then hobbies and work.  I have been able to establish a balance.  I think why I am expressing this post is, the balance has been a bit off and slipping back to what I once knew, and I don't like that space as much as I do the one Liz and I are navigating towards.  I mean, kidlet 4 is inbound.  Just a few short years ago, 2 kids were IMPOSSIBLE with over 9 years of 'Secondary infertility' -- they said we were textbook normal.  What a miracle it is that Dennis, Juniper and Astrid each get to say I am a Big Brother/Sister to kidlet number 4 (names to be determined prior to or at birth). 

So like I said, "Welcome to my own party".  I have known this, I just needed to acknowledge it, accept it, and now get to do-ing it.  Quit living in the past, and trust that the past will allow me space to enjoy and 'be still' in the current moments, and be mindful and aware of the future but not overwhelmed and blinded by it.  I need to stay in my space.  Yes, Welcome to the Party -- Shane.

-- Thanks Liz

---- Thanks Dennis, Juniper and Astrid-- too

^^^^^  Best Sherpa crew I could ask for and there will be one more soon (April/May 2020)

Activities - 

I use the following trackers:

• Garmin Connect (which pushes the files to the following services):
• Training Peaks
• Strava
• and the ones I don't remember (Map my stuff via Under Armour and things like the Great Bicycle ride initiative stuff)

Honestly, I mainly use Training Peaks as I pay for an annual subscription on it now, and it is the most detailed in data and other helpful information to keep me where I want to go. Use the 'Links', then 'Track me' section to find and stalk me if that's your thing.

Relevant Pics

This includes self-care and introspective thought and conversation, too!!!